I think of the way it feels when someone I’m really attracted to shows me a little flirtatious attention. I think of how happy I’ll be when I’m at home where I can zone out in my mind and focus on the things that I love doing. I think of my youth and how much I miss it and how I would have done things differently.
But it doesn’t always work. Yes, I am a thinker. I’m an overthinker, in fact, but that doesn’t work every time.
The truth is that it’s not always what I think of that makes me smile when I’m having a bad day. It’s a feeling. An outside influence that makes me feel something that opposes the negative. Sometimes it’s something so simple. I turn on my 90’s pop station by Amazon Music and I start searching for something that says how I’m feeling. Usually, before I can even find something to emulate my emotion, a song will come on that I remember being obsessed over back in the day and I just can’t help but giggle and squeal at those first few notes.
When I do find a song that says exactly how I’m feeling, it’s the beat, the lyrics, the inflections in the singer’s voice. Sometimes it’s all so perfect and I must turn it up and let that music wash over me like an ocean wave and feel it fully. I don’t care what anyone else says. Fangirling always makes me feel better.
Sometimes it’s seeing that an anime that I love is coming out with a new season. Sometimes it’s seeing behind the scenes footage of one of my favorite films or tv shows.
Sometimes it’s finding out that one of my favorite celebrities is the voice of a character in a movie that I like.
Other times it is that spark of inspiration that stems from something I love and flings me headlong into wanting to create something new. Like, a song lyric that reminds me of something and makes me want to write something or draw something or paint something or blog about something.
It can be an emotion that steals away my anger, my hurt, my stress, my agitation, and makes me fly. Like when attractive guy with confidence and swagger walks by and winks and smiles at me or when they stop by my desk and ask how my day is going and then they actually stay listen to the answer.
At times it is a cat curling up in my lap while I’m at home and other times it is a text from one of my amazing intellectual friends telling me about something or showing me something I hadn’t seen before. They often spark inspiration in my mind and I love them dearly for it.
Pain and anger and frustration…a bad day. All of it can be solved by inspiration. Depression is only cured by inspiration. That feeling that makes you want to do something, to feel, to create, to live.
No matter what it is that my mind clings to, once I feel inspired, the aggravation is gone, the pain is gone, and the energy becomes renewed. It causes a new momentum to build because once one idea sparks, so does another and another until I’m nearly bursting with ideas and I can’t write fast enough to get them all down.
That’s how I do it. Not a doctor. Not a therapy. Sometimes, not even family or friends but my own interests that pull me from the fire of my mind and return to me that which I had momentarily turned my back on. It’s pure positive energy. It’s imagination and mine has saved me more times than I can count.
I think that’s why I put so much stock into doing what it is that you really love to do. It’s that thing that inspires you and let’s your mind wander while you focus. More ideas come as you focus until you don’t care about work or bills or relationships or taxes or anything else. You just want all the time in the world to experience these ideas and to delve into them and explore what it was your mind gave to you to create.
I love rainy days. I love that you can sit and listen to the rain falling while you’re warm and safe indoors. You just let your mind wander and think about anything you want to.
I love my black cat. I have many other pets and I love them all very much but from the time I was a child, I always wanted a black cat and every opportunity there was too have one, I took it. It makes me feel like a which. Silly, right? But it does. It makes me feel like this reality isn’t really all that there is. There is magic and there are good witches and there are beautiful black cats as companions. My black cat follows me everywhere around the house. He’ll come if I call him, and we can communicate on a quiet level and one in which I speak to him and he’ll either reply or comply. He’s getting older now and I know that he won’t love forever. But I do know that when he’s gone, when I am ready, I will get a new black cat. I plan to continue to have one in my life always. They’re like little panthers. Silent, mysterious, gorgeous, smart, and very good friends.
I’m not a very tidy person. I know that I love being in neat and clean places but my places tend to be a bit on the messy side. I clean them but they get messy again. I’m a creative sort. My mind is always thinking and dreaming and when something pops into my head, I jump into it leaving my last project right where I left it. I know there everything is but everything is not in it’s place. Some call it organized chaos. I really don’t care what it’s called. I’ve stopped apologizing to myself and anyone else for it. I’ll clean when I’m inspired to and until then, leave well enough alone.
It took me a long time to love myself this much and to embrace the things that make up who I am. I can look in the mirror and love my reflection even if I notice things that can be improved but I’m still very happy with what I see staring back. I believe my husband now when he tells me I’m pretty. I stopped questioning why anyone would be attracted to me. I know now that I’m a pretty great person and make mistakes and I’m not perfect but I don’t have to be.
I love sleeping in on weekends. I do it a little during the week too but I often become late for work so it’s not a good idea. Oh but on a Saturday or Sunday morning…I love it. Once the animals have been fed and taken care of, it’s right back to bed and under those warm blankets. On days when it’s cold in the house, my black cat will opt to slip under the covers with me. My other cat won’t. She doesn’t like it under the blankets but my black cat will sleep there for hours with me. Those quiet mornings in the comfort and the warmth… That’s the best! After a while I’m no longer sleeping. I’m usually on my phone seeing what’s going on everywhere from Instagram to Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Weheartit. But I don’t have to be sleeping to enjoy being in bed a while longer.
Sometimes I use my weekends to get stuff done. Shopping or cleaning up a little around the house…
I like to let the entire weekend be about nothing at all.