4/15/2018 0 Comments
The simple answer is, Of course!
I see people talk about this sort of thing online all the time and I find it sort of strange. I also see people getting upset and hurt over it and I find that strange as well.
Now, this is not to say that I condone those who cheat or lie. I’m not saying that I approve of those who hurt others for selfish reasons.
What I am saying, though, is that we’re human beings. Not only do we live in a society that has been trying to improve human features through fashion, makeup, digital and surgical enhancements, but we also are creatures of energy and emotion and we connect to everything that way. So, yes, it is a little hard not to have our heads turned from those we are in relationships with in favor of someone else who we find attractive.
It is a different energy than we are used to and we may be drawn to it or curious of it. It can be very entreating and exciting.
I’m a married woman. I see attractive males all the time and many of whom find me attractive as well. My husband doesn’t go into a blind rage and punch holes through the wall because of it. Why? Because he understands, like I do, that we are human beings and marriage doesn’t stop the flow of energy or emotions and it doesn’t blind us to other people with appealing qualities.
Have you ever gotten into a conversation with someone and you realize that you’ve got a lot in common and the things that you don’t have in common, you’re still fascinated by?
Have you ever met someone was wanted to talk to for hours about anything and nothing?
Have you ever felt like someone besides your significant other really “gets” you?
Well surprise, surprise! There is nothing wrong with that.
People tend to think that there’s a problem with it because they are afraid that you’ve met someone whom you want more and that you’re either going to abruptly leave them for this other person or that they’re going to sneak around behind your back with them.
While it is normal to be a little worried about such things, after all, trust is hard to build but easy to break, it isn’t necessarily inevitable.
Yes, I’ll admit it. There was once a time when I too thought that I was wrong for feeling something for someone else and, like a brave little toaster, I told the truth and explained my feelings to my husband though we weren’t married at the time. I found myself surprised when he didn’t get angry with me or lash out. He smiled and shrugged and said “Honey, you’re a human being. You were honest, you told me about it, and I appreciate that but it’s okay if you’re attracted to someone else.”
That was the first time that I really had to stop and consider what was really going on. It seemed like I had been floating through life with specific ideals but when he said those things to me, I realized that I had been a bit blind.
My parents were divorced before I was old enough to spell it, so I knew that the fairytale marriages in movies and on tv weren’t really all there was. Even at a young age I knew that marriage was supposed to be something that two people did when they really cared for one another, but I also knew that it could end and that the two people could move on.
Yet, somehow as I got older, I got it into my head that when people get married, they aren’t supposed to even think about being with someone else. But, when after talking about it with my husband, it really started to make sense how wrong that was. I realized insecurity in marriage or in a serious relationship stemmed from fear. Fear of being cheated on, cast aside, dumped...In other words. Fear of rejection.
I felt the sting of rejection from a very young age. My father probably didn’t eve realize the damage he caused when he told my older sister that she was his favorite.
For the rest of my life, I was scared. Oh yes, that’s right. I’ve got daddy issues and the issue became an insecurity and that insecurity became self-hatred, self-consciousness, and a constant fear of not being good enough.
This wasn’t helped by the fact that, growing up, my sister was very outgoing while I was much more introverted. She was very popular and boys all seemed to like her. Event he ones that I liked first.
I think those years just embedded the hurt of rejection into me even further because there again, someone was choosing someone else over me. I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough and that someone else was always better.
I became extremely picky about who I dated or even who I found attractive. I was very specific in what I wanted. I only had one or two boyfriends in my teen years but neither of which lasted more than a summer.
In my early twenties when it came to men, I tried to be everything to them. I lived in fear of that rejection. I wanted so badly and for so long for someone to just want me and only me that when someone did show a bit of interest, I’d devour them. I’d shower them with all my attention and all of my affection.
It was a hard lesson to learn what needy behavior was and even harder to correct it. I had to grow up. I had to learn more about me why I was acting this way, why men were running away from me. I had to learn what it was about me that scared them off.
Crazy thing it, it was really my own fear. My own emotions and the way I’d taught myself to be guarded against that rejection I was so afraid of. In relationships, every one of my actions was a preventive measure. It took me years to realize that I never really opened myself up to people. Even now I keep a lot held back.
It was this very history and those very fears that I was thinking back on when I considered what my husband was saying.
I realized that I had condemned any man I was to marry to a life of emotional servitude where he would want me and only me forever more. When you say it like that, it sounds crazy doesn’t it?
But here was a man who understood. He hadn’t been emotionally scarred like I had, and his mind was free to accept other ways of thinking. He wasn’t jealous or offended by my interest in someone else because he was secure in our relationship and we trusted one another.
Now, to clarify something here. I didn’t sleep with the guy. I did, however feel an intense urge to kiss him. I didn’t, but there was something about the way he spoke to me that captivated me and made me want to lean across our table at Starbucks and fall into his eyes. When we hugged goodbye, there was a shivering sensation all over my body and it kind of hurt to let go.
These were some powerful emotions going on and the energy between us was genuine. That is why I felt so guilty telling my husband (boyfriend at the time) about it. I thought for sure I had betrayed his trust and I had done something so wrong that he’d never want to see me again.
But no. As he said, I am a human being and I came to him and told him the truth.
So, fast forward to me sitting at home pondering over this and that’s when I realized that relationships and marriage aren’t the end all.
Energy flows around us constantly and sometimes we connect with others very quickly and very strongly. There may be someone out there who captivates us and makes us swoon or makes us want for more.
And that, to me, is where the difference lies. Being physically and emotionally attracted to someone isn’t the same as lying to the person that you’re with or sneaking around behind their back to explore those new feelings.
People ask me all the time why I think open marriages are cool. They come to me with their scrunched-up faces and say “So, if you want someone else, what’s the point of being married in the first place?”
And see, that’s how I used to think. That is exactly what I used to think and never thought twice about it until I became my own example.
The truth of the matter is that marriage has so much more to do with your connection, your trust, your love, and your security with a person. Your husband or wife has to be on the same wavelength as you. Both must understand what really matters in the relationship and be secure enough in the fact that it matters to both of you.
Sure, someone could find me attractive and I them. We could talk, we could have dinner, we could have a few drinks, or even have sex. *GASP! * Yes, I know. Shocking. But the difference is, even when I feel totally enamored by someone, at the end of the day, I know that I can’t call and ask that hottie to help me when my car is stuck on the side of the road. I know that if someone is rude to me or mistreats me in some way, I have someone who loves and cares about me and who will defend me until the bitter end. When I was severely dehydrated at work and nearly passed out, guess who came to my rescue with coconut water, food, and a ride home? When the guy I had a crush on at work told me how much he liked someone else, I was devastated. Yes, crushes are innocent but there are still emotions involved and guess who brought me comfort foods, put on my favorite shows, and held me on his lap and let me cry into his shoulder? That’s right. My husband.
Flirting is fun, sex is fun, and escaping the norm for a while is exciting. But eventually the light shines in and reminds you of where your true home is.
So, can you feel a physical and emotional connection to someone other than who you are married to? Damn right you can but make no mistake, it’s not the same as cheating or sneaking.
Being attracted to someone else and wanting someone else isn’t wrong unless you make it wrong. For those in open relationships, they work because neither person is lying to the other. When they go out and meet someone for drinks or intimacy, they don’t have to lie about where they are going or try to sneak out of the house. They don’t have to doge hotel clerks and only get rooms under an assumed name. They are living in complete honesty and it’s really an amazing thing. It so different from what people are used but if you ask me, that’s why it’s exciting.